Need an edge in your upcoming men’s league? Tired of your basketball team’s lackadaisical approach? Why not follow the lead of the New Orleans Saints and impose a bounty system?
Sure you can’t hit people like in football, but injuries shouldn’t be too hard to come by if you’re willing to run around long enough.
$30 for a sprained ankle.
$20 for pulled hamstrings.
“Congratulations players and coaches for reaching the Final Four of the NIT here at Madison Square Garden.
You all should be very proud for being one of the top four teams in college basketball.*
As a bonus, our sponsors have put together a little gift package to help you remember your time here in NY competing in the NIT. Here’s what you’ll find in your swag bag.
-Two gallons of Exon gasoline (regular)
-One dreamcatcher
-Two-for-one coupons for a Subway 6-inch sandwich. (Not good on premium sandwiches).
-A bootlegged copy of “Wife Swap” season 3.
-A 2011 NIT Final Four magnet leftover from last year.
-A slice of pepperoni from Joe’s #2 Pizza on 42nd St. (Must present coupon during purchase).
-One Wyoming State Quarter. (Spending quarter is a violation of NCAA regulations. Quarter is only meant to be admired for its beauty in depicting the great state of Wyoming).
Congratulations again!
*You know, other than those 68 other teams that made the real tournament.”
There was Fernando Valenzuela, then Mark “The Bird” Fidrych, then not Kwame Brown, then Tim Tebow and now Jeremy Lin.
All of these players (again, except for Kwame Brown) set fire to the sports world instantly.
And given all the money generated in New York, Asia, the pun industry, and beyond by the Jeremy Lin phenomenon, there is extreme financial interest in trying to predict who will accomplish this next.
Using math*, unadulterated conjecture, and a little voodoo, here’s the list of athletes who may just be the next sports phenom.
*Math used to number list only.
By now, you may have heard of Knowshon Moreno driving a car with a vanity plate that read, “SUACED” and inevitably being arrested for a DUI.
Of course, had Knowshon only followed the first rule of crime, “Do not print and showcase a sign of the crime you are currently committing,” he may just have gotten away with it.
So, in an effort to help future criminals, here are some more probable-cause vanity plates to avoid.
“DED-HKR”
“H8CRME” (of course, “IH8CRME” would be not only acceptable, but a clever smoke-screen for any criminal).
“NOTSEE”
For one man, the Superbowl happens this weekend.
The contest happening two weeks from now couldn’t interest him less.
He spends the entire year waiting for one game to root on his favorite team.
Meet Eddie Carroway, the world’s only Pro Bowl fan. Continue reading
The following is a recently discovered Roman inscription dated July 31, 108 C.E. roughly translated into English. It reads like a sports column, which makes little sense considering there was no printing press in ancient Rome and to write as if your words were being mass distributed would be insane. You may notice many details don’t add up when held up to historical scrutiny. You nerds would be wise to keep such concerns to yourselves.
“Teborius the Great he’s called by his fans. Teborious the Wonderful he’s called by his admirers.
But there’s other names for Rome’s most polarizing Gladiator: nauseating, pompous and delusional to name a few.
He’s become a lightning rod for criticism, and there’s no doubt that it centers around his fervent religious belief and patented constant praying before, during and after every match.
But I think I speak for the majority of Romans when I say, leave the gods out of the Coliseum. Continue reading
Hey everybody,
Thanks for checking this blog and reading… or checking this blog and getting angry it wasn’t an accurate search result from Google… it’s all good.
As you may have noticed, this blog has been and will be on hiatus for a while. I got a gig writing for the new Sports Show with Norm Macdonald. If you’d like to continue reading stuff I write, you can head on over to http://sportsshow.comedycentral.com/ and read there.
The show premieres April 12 and I highly recommend you watch it as a supplement to your avid blog reading.
