Tickets to stand outside the Superbowl $200: What you get for your money.

A press release from Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones:

The site of this year's Superbowl. For only $200, you can stand outside it.

To all our season-ticket holders asking why they should spend $200 on tickets to watch the Superbowl outside Cowboys Stadium, lets review what you get for your money.

First, your $200 doesn’t just allow you to stand outside the stadium… it grants you access to the Party Plaza (which is outside the stadium).

The Party Plaza will feature large HD screens on which you can watch the game! Can’t we watch the game on large HD screens for free at bars and in our homes you ask? Well, yeah, but first of all, shut up and don’t interrupt me. Secondly, our large HD screens will be bigger than your stupid large HD screen. Your screens will be pathetic compared to ours. I’m sorry, but that question just got me a little upset. I’m sure your large HD screen is quite nice and not stupid or pathetic at all.

Second, along with access to the Party Plaza you get a free scarf! Because what says NFL football more than neck warmth? And trust me, you’re going to want those scarves. Because the Party Plaza is in quite the wind tunnel, and chances are it will be extremely cold.

Third, along with access to the Party Plaza and your free scarf, you also get the opportunity to purchase stadium concessions! Ten dollar pretzels with weird cheese on it, plus a scarf?! Who even needs the large HD screens?

Ok, still not convinced? What if I throw in some folding chairs? That way you could sit down while you watch the game. Of course, I can’t provide enough folding chairs for everyone. It will have to work on a first come, first serve basis. I mean, I’m not literally made of money, although if the expression ever qualified for anyone it would certainly be me.

Or, how about this? You get the screens, the scarves, the stadium concessions, the folding chairs (for the early birds) AND  a post-game performance via satellite from Texas country music legend Kris Kristopherson. Now you can’t afford not to spend $200 to stand (or sit, remember to come early!) outside in the cold, vicious winds of the Party Plaza.

Finally, to address those who say I’m just exploiting our season-ticket holders in order to set a record for attendance for the Superbowl in order to further pad my considerable ego… Well, if this deal sounds like exploitation to you than I say to shut-up. There’s a lot of suckers out there. No need to ruin it for them.

Thanks, and as always,

How bout dem Cowboys?!

Jerry Jones

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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