Fixing the Umpiring Problem: MLB’s Long-term Vision


It’s been a bad few weeks for umpires. Blown calls, lack of knowledge over basic rules and an inability to see a homerun, even on replay, has forced the commissioner to react.

Here’s a long-term solution to the umpiring mess released by the commissioner’s office earlier today.

2014: Expanded replay. “Trapped catches” and base running calls reviewable.

2018: Pitch FX machines to call balls and strikes.

2024: Crude, metallic robot umpires to take over all umpiring duties.

2025: Robot umpires scaring young children and the elderly away from baseball, so they are destroyed.

2029: More sophisticated human-looking robot umpires take over the umpiring jobs.

2032: Robot umpires rise up and take revenge against humanity for coldly destroying their metallic ancestors.

2155: After a century of living as robot umpire slaves, a human scientist invents a time machine so that we can go back and warn the commissioner about the robot umpires. 

2023: A startled Bud Selig shoots and kills the representative of the future warning against robot umpires with a Colt .45 he keeps taped under his desk. He drinks until he passes out and convinces himself it was all a dream.

2155: After 6 more representatives are gunned down by a drunk Bud, humanity decides to go back and find Bud Selig as an infant to prevent him from ever becoming commissioner.

2013: In an alternate universe without Bud Selig as commissioner, baseball is now America’s most popular sport.




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Mike Rice Cover Letter



John Kane

West Essex YMCA Youth Basketball


Dear Mr. Kane,

I am writing in reply to the classified ad seeking to fill the position of youth basketball coach for the YMCA, ages 10-11.

First, let me say I’ve always admired the YMCA league and it’s fun, low pressure atmosphere as a great way for young boys and girls to develop and learn the game of basketball.

I’ve been a basketball coach since 1991 as both an assistant and head coach at the NCAA Division 1 level. Most recently I’ve spent the last three years as the Rutgers University Men’s Basketball head coach.

Now, you may have heard some things in the news as to why I was dismissed from that position. Let me assure you, these were concerns blown out of proportion by the media. 

I believe what 10 and 11 year-old boys need most is someone who can capture their attention. (And what grabs your attention more than being kicked in the back?! Haha, just kidding).

When I look at kids today there’s a part of me that just wants to hurl a basketball at their cute little faces as hard as I can. But there’s a bigger part of me that wants to help them work on their fundamentals.

Oh, sure, I use the occasional gay slur. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a rush from abusing my power over youth. And yes, I admit there’s nothing I love better than kicking some nice young back.

So if you’re looking for Mr. Perfect, I guess ignore the resume’ underneath this letter. If you’re looking for Mr. “I don’t call my players fairies” I guess I’m not your guy. 

But if you’re looking for a coach who’s proven he has the ability, through bigotry, intimidation and physical abuse, to get his teams to a below .500 record, then I’d be humbled to be your ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? PAY THE F$%# ATTENTION YOU STUPID LITTLE… excuse me, next coach. 

Respectfully yours,

Mike Rice


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Meat Sweats, Richard Sherman and Beach Vacations

Hey everyone, it’s time for a brand new episode of the Locker Room Cancer podcast.

Among other things, on this week’s show Brian and I propose the question,  if you weren’t a Seahawks fan, would you like Richard Sherman? If you have a strong feeling about that weigh in on the comments below and we’ll discuss them on next week’s show.


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New Podcast with Jono Zalay!

Hey everyone! It’s Wednesday which means a new episode of Locker Room Cancer with Brian Moote and myself.

This week we’re joined by comedian and native San Diegan (means from San Diego) Jono Zalay. Among other things we discuss my envy of the Chargers having a fight song. Which is wonderful and you can listen to here.

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Bitties, Battleaxes, Robert Swift and Top Ironic 12th Man Flag Raisers

Hey everybody! It’s Wednesday which means it’s time for an all new podcast on 710 ESPN in Seattle. Go get it!

We discuss in great detail Robert Swift’s squatting situation. I nominate Robert Swift as the top ironic choice for raising the 12th Man Flag at a Seahawks game next year. Here’s my unofficial list of other contenders.

1. Robert Swift

2. Jeremy Stevens

3. Bob Bender

4. David “Locked on Sports” Locke

5. Vernon Maxwell

6. Tyrone Willingham

7. Angie Mentink

8. Russ Davis

9. Brian Bozworth

10. Ken Behring


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New Podcast for

Hey everybody!

Brian Moote and myself have started a new podcast for ESPN Seattle over on It’s called Locker Room Cancer, just like this blog!

New episodes come out every Wednesday. Listen, subscribe, share and tell everybody how much you hate how everybody has a podcast now.

Here’s the link to this week’s episode…


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Welcome to!

This is the Web site where you can type in your symptoms and Kobe Bryant will tell you what’s wrong with you.

Kobe Bryant is a professional basketball player and has opinions on all of your medical conditions.

Take a look at some of our previous satisfied customers. Don’t worry, we won’t violate your privacy like we did these poor people.

Casey Virginia: Symptoms: Can’t concentrate at work, extreme headaches, sensitivity to light, on the rare occasion faints, dizziness

KobeMD: Diagnosis: Weakness. Treatment: Get back to work and quit fainting.

Continue reading

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