It’s been a bad few weeks for umpires. Blown calls, lack of knowledge over basic rules and an inability to see a homerun, even on replay, has forced the commissioner to react.
Here’s a long-term solution to the umpiring mess released by the commissioner’s office earlier today.
2014: Expanded replay. “Trapped catches” and base running calls reviewable.
2018: Pitch FX machines to call balls and strikes.
2024: Crude, metallic robot umpires to take over all umpiring duties.
2025: Robot umpires scaring young children and the elderly away from baseball, so they are destroyed.
2029: More sophisticated human-looking robot umpires take over the umpiring jobs.
2032: Robot umpires rise up and take revenge against humanity for coldly destroying their metallic ancestors.
2155: After a century of living as robot umpire slaves, a human scientist invents a time machine so that we can go back and warn the commissioner about the robot umpires.
2023: A startled Bud Selig shoots and kills the representative of the future warning against robot umpires with a Colt .45 he keeps taped under his desk. He drinks until he passes out and convinces himself it was all a dream.
2155: After 6 more representatives are gunned down by a drunk Bud, humanity decides to go back and find Bud Selig as an infant to prevent him from ever becoming commissioner.
2013: In an alternate universe without Bud Selig as commissioner, baseball is now America’s most popular sport.