To: Cavaliers front office and staff
From: Owner Dan Gilbert
Date: July 1, 2010
Subject: Ideas on how to recover if we are not able to resign Lebron James.
1. We need to keep the fan base excited. That means creative game enhancements as well as a winning team. Here’s what I propose. We have a drawing with all the season ticket holders. The winner gets to coach the Cav’s for a game. We’ll rig it so that a passionate fan, maybe a sassy black lady with dreadlocks, wins. Then I’ll fire the current coach, promote her to head coach, thus creating buzz. But more than just buzz, she’ll inspire the team to be a winner even without Lebron using her unorthodox coaching style and suprising knowledge of the game.
2. We enlist the help of angels. I know, I know, how are we going to know when said angels are around? We find an orphan with the ability to see angels, give him season tickets, and then he can give our coach some sort of signal when they’re around, like flapping his arms or something.
3. We hand out water bottles to the team with labels on them that read “Michael’s Secret Stuff.” The players drink from them thinking they’re using Michael Jordan’s secret ingredient that made him so great, except we just fill the bottles with regular water. Thereby tricking them into extreme self-confidence.
4. I’ll sign a sharp-shooting golden retriever.
5. Before every big game, we’ll get two of our craziest, most passionate fans to kidnap the other team’s best player.
6. We could have one of the current players’ dead brothers help us by becoming a ghost and influencing the outcomes of games.
7. We find a teenager who has been given amazing talent due to a freak injury. We sign him to a deal. And then when his talent leaves him because of another fluke accident he still succeeds by using one of his mom’s unorthodox techniques.
8. I’ll let my grand-son coach the team. He’ll at first be wide-eyed and star struck, unable to make tough decisions regarding his favorite players. Eventually he’ll come to make those tough decisions, and win the respect of veterans twice and three times his age.
9. Free tacos if the Cav’s break 70.