“Here’s who I want managing the Yankees now that I’m gone:
Joe Girardi can manage next year if he wins the World Series, but fire him after that… even if he wins it again. I don’t want another Joe Torre on my hands. Then hire Buck Showalter. Fire him 6 months in and hire Derek Jeter to be player/manager.
When the season ends fire Jeter from manager, but do it nicely so he’ll still play shortstop for us. Then hire Tommy Lasorda. If Tommy Lasorda is dead by then, hire Pete Rose. Fire Pete Rose when it comes out that he had a gambling problem. Then hire dead-Tommy Lasorda. Fire dead-Tommy Lasorda the next day and hire Buck Showalter again. Let Buck coach out the end of the year, then fire him. Hire him back the next day and then fire him again.
Then hire that guy at Wendy’s who cleared up my drive through order after it got screwed up so bad. He was an Asian fella at the one by my house in Tampa. If you can’t find him, hire Lou Piniella. If it looks like he’s about to say no, then fire him before he has the chance to reject you.
Then hire and fire these hosts of the View in this order, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters. They each get a season. Throw in a black guy around here. I don’t care who, as long as it’s not Strawberry.
Fire whoever by the All-Star Break. The replacement should be the winner of a George Steinbrenner-trivia contest. Fire him over baseless accusations that he cheated to win the contest, unless he really did cheat, then keep him on. I like the guts that shows.
By that time they should have figured out how to bring me back from the dead, and I’ll take over the team again. If not, rehire Buck Showalter, but don’t let him give you any shit.”