Know Your NFL Rookie Hazing Rituals

In an act of defiance he now just says was ignorance, Dallas rookie reciever Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams pads at practice. Initially he said he wasn’t there to carry pads, but to win a championship (pretty sure those aren’t mutually exclusive). Then he said he didn’t know that rookies carrying pads was an NFL tradition.

This story presents a perfect opportunity to play “Know Your NFL Rookie Hazing Rituals.” Go ahead and answer the multiple choice questions below, and then calculate your score at the bottom. One point for every right answer. Or, you can make every right answer a thousand points if you want to jazz it up a little bit like a crappy game show. Just none of that doubling-after-each-round Family Fued bullshit.

Dallas’ promising rookie Dez Bryant refused to carry awful veteran Roy Williams’ pads.

1.  Rookie Hazing started as a way to…

a) Keep rookies from being too cocky

b) Keep wet-towel snapping skills sharp

c) Justify picking on Norm Van Brocklin. Nobody liked that guy.

d) Gamble on who would cry the first night

2.  The following is NOT an acceptable NFL rookie hazing ritual…

a) Making the rookie sing songs at dinner

b) Giving the rookie a nickname like “princess” or “the gay one”

c) Murdering rookies

d) All of the above

3.  As a rookie, if you refuse to participate in a hazing ritual, you will…

a)  Not be accepted by the team

b)  Suffer suprise hazing attacks that increase in severity untill you break

c)  Become respected as a professional and probably take the job of the guy trying to haze you

d)  Seward’s Folley

4.  Multiple choice tests make it easier to…

a) Cheat off of someone else’s paper

b) Guess at the right answer

c) Not study and still get a good grade

d) All of the above

5. “All of the above” answers on this multiple choice test are copouts because…

a) It means the author of the test couldn’t think of any more funny answers

b) All of the above

c) All above this

d) None of the above

6.  How many intersting rookie hazing stories have been told from ex-NFL players like Mark Schlereth or Tom Jackson…

a) 10

b) 6

c) 1

d) They’re all boring. They all start with “I don’t even know if I should tell this one, alright here it goes…” They’re worried about it being too scandalous. You’re right, you shouldn’t tell it. Not because it might air dirty laundry, it’s to save us all the three minutes you’re about to rob from us with your crappy lockerroom hijinx story.

7.  If a team’s veterans don’t haze it’s rookies, the rookies will eventually…

a) Become disrespectful to the veterans

b) Play crappy

c) Start hazing the veterans. It’s haze or be hazed out there.

d) Develop into quality NFL players.

Hated by all, Norm Van Brocklin

Answer key: 1. C, 2. C, 3. C.  (all the C answers messing with your head yet?) 4. D, 5. D, 6. D, 7. C

About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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2 Responses to Know Your NFL Rookie Hazing Rituals

  1. Maria Shehata says:

    I don’t follow sports but I still find your blog hilarious and informative. For instance, I didn’t know that rookies have to go through hazing rituals, or what Sewards Folly was. I looked it up, and I also found out America owns Alaska! Nice!

    • I’m excited you find my blog hilarious and informative despite knowing little about sports. I’m a little disappointed in your 7th grade social studies teacher for you not knowing what Seward’s Folley was.

      FYI… America not only owns Alaska, but a good portion of our crazy Governors/TV personalities/Presidential candidates come from there.

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