The coward’s guide to surviving a brawl

Scott Rolen, Jonny Gomes and Yadier Molina

The St. Louis Cardinals and the Cincinnati Reds got into a vicious first-inning brawl Tuesday night. Cardinal catcher Jason LaRue had to be placed on the 15-day disabled list because of injuries he sustained during the fight.

Of course the injury could have been avoided. There’s no reason why with just a few tips anyone can come out of a brawl unscathed. Hopefully this coward’s guide to surviving a brawl will keep you off the DL.

All brawls in sports are bench clearing, but that doesn’t mean you have to run toward the fight.

If you see a fracas beginning to erupt, join your fellow teammates in leaping off the bench. But when they start running toward the action, run instead in the opposite direction. When teammates ask you afterward what happened to you, say “I got lost on the way there.” Or, “Somebody had to guard the dugout.”

Hold back someone who is holding back someone

The whole “hold me back” phenomenon is guaranteed to take some sort of shape during any brawl. And it’s a great thing to take advantage of if you’re a coward. Holding back someone who is already holding someone else back ensures two things. One, you’re going to be far away enough from the action that you won’t catch any stray punches. And two, you’ll look like you’re doing something productive on film. The upshot is that you may cause the person holding back the guy who really wants to fight to let go, but that really isn’t your concern here.

There’s no reason to think a sucker punch is beneath you.

Now, sometimes actually being in a brawl will be unavoidable. If you find yourself close to the action, sucker punching is the way to go. Of all the brawls you see today, how many times do you see someone do the whole, “Hey, what’s that over there?” and then punch them in the back of the head? Never, right? Well, that’s a great way to ensure a successful brawl. Of course there’s variations on this… personally I like the “fake sportsmanlike handshake and then kick to the crotch.”  Feel free to get creative! Come up with your own.

Take a hostage

The foul territory of a baseball diamond is full of two types of people. Elderly security guards and young ball girls/boys. Who make better hostages than the elderly or the young? Simply grab one of these feeble people around the neck and use them as a human shield. If you’re feeling particularly brave, threaten to harm your hostage further unless the other team submits to your demands.

Always carry a taser.

Now this should be a last resort, because certainly revealing to Major League Baseball that you carry a taser with you during a ball game is going to warrant a significant fine or suspension. But better safe than sorry.

Well, hopefully this guide was helpful to at least a few of you out there. Safe brawling everybody!

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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2 Responses to The coward’s guide to surviving a brawl

  1. You could call running away the “Reynolds Retreat”

  2. Pingback: 2010 State of the Blog | Locker Room Cancer

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