The federal government indicted Roger Clemens on six counts of perjury and obstructing Congress on Thursday. The question is, is he going to jail or not?
A lot of that depends on the talents and abilities of Rusty Hardin, Clemens’ lawyer. This is the same man who allowed Clemens to voluntarily go in front of Congress to testify he didn’t take steroids, which is the whole reason why he’s in this trouble in the first place.
So how will ol’ Rusty do this time? Here’s some facts about guys named Rusty that should provide some insight.
People named Rusty are statistically the most likely people in America to forget where they put their keys.
No one’s ever said, “That seems like a good idea, but let’s run it by Rusty first.”
If you leave a reservation under the name Rusty, it takes on average 13.6 minutes longer to get a table.
A Rusty has never won a Peabody award.
If your name is Rusty, the government requires you to renew your driver’s license every 2 years.
No one’s ever cheated off of a Rusty in math class.
If you’ve been trapped in an elevator for 8 hours, you finally get someone on the emergency phone to answer and you find out his name is Rusty, the next thing you say will undoubtedly be, “Is anybody else there?”
The record of guys named Rusty versus federal prosecutors? 0-67.