Roger Clemens’ chances against the feds


The federal government indicted Roger Clemens on six counts of perjury and obstructing Congress on Thursday. The question is, is he going to jail or not?

A lot of that depends on the talents and abilities of Rusty Hardin, Clemens’ lawyer. This is the same man who allowed Clemens to voluntarily go in front of Congress to testify he didn’t take steroids, which is the whole reason why he’s in this trouble in the first place.

So how will ol’ Rusty do this time? Here’s some facts about guys named Rusty that should provide some insight.

People named Rusty are statistically the most likely people in America to forget where they put their keys.

No one’s ever said, “That seems like a good idea, but let’s run it by Rusty first.”

If you leave a reservation under the name Rusty, it takes on average 13.6 minutes longer to get a table.

A Rusty has never won a Peabody award.

If your name is Rusty, the government requires you to renew your driver’s license every 2 years.

No one’s ever cheated off of a Rusty in math class.

If you’ve been trapped in an elevator for 8 hours, you finally get someone on the emergency phone to answer and you find out his name is Rusty, the next thing you say will undoubtedly be, “Is anybody else there?”

The record of guys named Rusty versus federal prosecutors? 0-67.

About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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4 Responses to Roger Clemens’ chances against the feds

  1. Maria Shehata says:

    Not to mention the aptness of dogs named Rusty:

  2. mike says:

    In Hawaii jail, my cell mate had a public defender named Rusty. He got ten years for public urination.

  3. I could watch that dog video all day. Have you seen the narcoleptic goats? Same concept, except they fall asleep when they get startled.

    Mike, I would love to hear prison stories from a guy named Rusty.

  4. Rye Silverman says:

    Rusty is by far the least interesting of all the Griswolds.

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