USC stripped of 2004 Rice Trophy

The Football Writers Association of America decided today to take back the 2004 Grantland Rice Trophy from USC.  This is the latest in a string of penalties in response to NCAA violations involving former running back Reggie Bush.

USC has already received a two-year post-season ban, a loss of scholarships and has been forced to forfeit victories from the 2004 and 2005 seasons. The university has also returned Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy.

In addition, USC has to pay back all revenue made from ticket sales for their bowl games that year. USC fans have to turn in any memorabilia; including hats, T-shirts, shot glasses, etc.,  that indicate USC won the national championship or the Rose Bowl during that two year period. The NCAA also decided that no one will be permitted to speak about those two USC seasons in a wistful tone. As in, “Remember how much fun that season was?”

Any highlights showing clips of USC football from those two years will have a scroll going underneath saying, “These events did not happen. Please disregard any fantastic plays by the Trojans. They didn’t actually occur.”

In 2004, USC defeated Oklahoma to win the BCS championship. The shirts that were printed up that said, “Oklahoma: National Champs” that were sent to impoverished nations in the third world after Oklahoma lost, will be taken back and distributed to the Sooners and their fans.

Any free car washes, drinks or meals USC players got during those two years from owners who said “Your money is no good here,” has to be paid back with interest.

Any child whose hero growing up was Reggie Bush because of what he did at USC has to pick a new childhood hero. The NCAA recommends Vince Young, Emeka Okafor or Keith Jackson.

Speaking of children, any child conceived as a result of post-victory  hookups involving USC players who, otherwise probably wouldn’t be able to pull that kind of action, will not be recognized as human beings by the NCAA.


About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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