Answering Lebron’s questions

Lebron seemed to have a lot of questions in his new Nike ad.

What are some more questions I should ask about myself?

Luckily for Lebron, Locker Room Cancer has answers. Well, they’re really more like guesses. Educated guesses, but not like an Ivy League education.. Let’s be clear, state-college educated guesses is what is being offered here.

First, you should not admit you’ve made mistakes. Everybody knows that’s the number one way for people to figure out you were wrong about something. Deny, deny, deny. I know there’s only three denies there but that’s supposed to mean infinity.

No need to remind us of what you’ve done before. People hate being told stuff they already know, and your career has been pretty well documented. Along those same lines, forget giving us the history lesson. History is boring. Plus history lessons aren’t great for comprehension, maybe more of a Socratic seminar.

You should tell us how much fun we had. It’s always nice to reminisce. You shouldn’t really believe you’ve ruined your legacy, ruin is a little harsh. I think most people are using the word “tarnished.”

While removing your tattoos sounds like a good idea, you should know it’s a lengthy, expensive and painful process. May not be worth it.

We would love to see your shiny new shoes.

Don’t tell us you’re not a role model, just behave in a way that lets people know you’re not a role model. Anti-role models don’t just talk about being bad for kids to look up to, they get out there and harm the community with their actions.

It may help if you told us you were a championship chaser. You should definitely say it was for the rings, and not for the money. For some weird reason people think that rings are more valuable than money. If you ask me, I’d take the cash every time. Sure the rings may appreciate in value over the years, but that cash you can spend right away.

Definitely do not accept a role as a villain. Nobody likes the bad guy. Unless it’s the kind where you redeem yourself at the end of the movie, like Darth Vader or Ed Harris in “The Rock.” And when you redeem yourself you should say, “What have I done?”

You shouldn’t disappear. Unless you’re talking about in the magical sense… like disappear as a trick, but then come back right away. In that case, yes, you should do that at parties or whenever there’s a lull in conversation.

I hate to say this, but you actually should stop listening to your friends. Friends are stupid a lot of the time. That’s why they’re not experts. Experts you should listen to. Friends are more for pushing over other friends who have kneeled behind them or for rides to the airport. Experts are for listening to.

Don Johnson was correct in saying you should write down anything Don Johnson says.

You should make us laugh. People love a good laugh. Don’t read us a poem, no one likes poetry. Don’t clear the decks and start over. Starting over is tough, because you have to redo all that stuff you already did. Sometimes people say you should start over when you screw up parallel parking, but then you have to admit you screwed up in the first place. And that gets back to the admitting you made mistakes question.

You should be who people want you to be. You’ll find it’s just easier. One time someone kept calling me Carl. My name isn’t Carl, but correcting him just seemed like a hassle. So I tried to act like Carl would, and things are working out pretty well for me.

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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