Old-man game dominating NBA

75-year-old Ken Mink. He was the guy who made a college team as a publicity stunt a couple years ago. Remember? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

The 2010-2011 NBA season is almost half over and the top teams in the league seem to have one thing in common.

Old guys.

The Boston Celtics, with aging superstars Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Shaquille O’Neal lead the East. While the San Antonio Spurs, with the ancient Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli lead the West.

Upstart young teams which were expected to take down the vets, like the Oklahoma City Thunder, Miami Heat and the Utah Jazz, have been held at bay. How you ask? Old-man game is dominating the NBA.

What is Old-man game? Old-man game is a series of moves, strategies, techniques and other ways to cheat that are used by old men playing basketball. Anyone who’s ever played a pickup game with their uncle, father, teacher or coach knows exactly what these techniques consist of. But for those of you who haven’t, here are the top plays out of the Old-man game playbook.

1) Being so sweaty nobody wants to touch you. Your best defense is a good offense. And your best offense is sweating so profusely your grey 1986 Goodwill Games T-shirt looks like it just got fished out of the Pacific Ocean. A nice little add-on to this move is to also be hairy. Like, Robin Williams hairy. No one in the history of basketball has held any player who both sweat too much and was really hairy to under 15 points in a game.

2) Bank shot from straight away. It makes no sense physically, but somehow old men can shoot a higher percentage banking their shots from straight away than just trying to make them normally. The uglier the jumper, the higher the percentage in this case.

3) Fouling the bejeesus out of you. This seems like common sense, but there is a difference between playing the best defense you are able to and then succombing to a foul as a last resort, and going out there with no intention to play any defense and just grabbing and hacking. Old-man game favors the latter. You know you’re playing with a proponent of Old-man game when someone grabs you around the waist before you even start your dribble.

4) Dribbling the air out of the ball while pointing to where the other players should cut. Then during breaks complaining about how no one is moving out there. The genius to this Old-man-game move is that it makes you seem like a team player, when really no one on the floor is more selfish.

5) Clapping your hands annoyingly loud when an obviously bad call has been whistled against the opponent. There are many psychological tricks in the Old-man game arsenal, but this one seems to be the most prevalent. Egendering rage from the opposing player while endearing himself to the refferee, a clever player uses this Old-man game staple as often as he can.


About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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