The World’s Locker Room Cancer: A response to the State of the Union

After the President gives the State of the Union Address, it is customary for a chosen member of the opposing party to give a response. Yesterday, after the President’s speech, we heard from Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin.

This year there was also a response given by Rep. Michelle Bachman, who represented the Tea Party movement.

After being asked repeatedly by members of the thought-to-be-defunct Whig party, Locker Room Cancer has also provided a response to the state of the union address.

“My fellow Americans,

First off, we know the state of our union is strong Mr. President. Every year the president says that. The meaning of the word strong has been completely stripped of any weight. If every once in a while a President called the union “average” or “sickly” than strong would ring out. But as it is we need to step up the rhetoric if you want to achieve the desired result. I would say, the state of our union is “crazy strong” or “yoked.”

Ladies and gentleman, the state of our union is yoked. But, that doesn’t mean we don’t have problems. In fact, America’s number one problem right now might just be how it’s perceived in the world. We’re viewed as stupid, bullying, lazy whiners.

I submit to you, we are the world’s locker room cancer.

Lets look at the facts.

The rest of the team (world) hates us. We’re still one of the best, if not the best, players and we remind the rest of the team every chance we get. We also suck up a disproportionate amount of the team’s resources.

When asked about us, other countries often reply, “That’s just America being America.”

No matter how badly or irresponsible we behave, there will always be some crazy owner (China) out there willing to pay us so we don’t fade into obscurity. And, we throw our coach (United Nations) under the bus every time we face adversity. Let’s face it, as a country, we’re un-coachable.

So, where do we go from here?

The classic locker room cancer has three basic choices.

Demand a trade.

Not optimal in this situation. The main question being where would we go? Jupitor? Mars? Another solar system? None of these are big enough markets for us. Not to mention the total lack of oxygen that our big diva lungs require. Also we’re a little reluctant to pull our kids out of the school system here.

Hold out for a new contract.

Basically, what we’ve been doing for the last decade or so. And let’s face it, it’s not working. The secret’s out. America has lost a step. We’re behind in math and science. We can’t afford to go to space anymore. We’re barely hanging on in basketball. The rest of the world is just not going to cave.

Play out the existing deal, while rededicating yourself to hard work and getting better… ala Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire.

Unfortunately, this seems to be America’s only play here. All that’s left is to hit the gym, keep our head down, be a model teammate, volunteer in the community, don’t get quoted calling anybody gay, and produce on the field until we get that new deal. Once that’s in place, we can start acting like a jackass again.

Good night,

And God bless America.”


About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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