Roger Goodel’s letter to fans (rough draft)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

Dear NFL Fan,

I know you probably aren’t going to understand this When I wrote to you last on behalf of the NFL, we lied to promised you that we would work tirelessly to find a collectively bargained solution to our differences with the players’ union. Subsequent to that letter to you that I’m sure sailed right over your empty heads, we agreed that the fastest way to a fair agreement was for everyone to work together through a mediation process. For the last three weeks I have sporadically personally attended every session of mediation, which is a  formality before the lockout we knew was coming process our clubs sincerely believe in.

Unfortunately, I have to tell you that earlier today the players’ union walked away from mediation and collective bargaining and has initiated litigation against the clubs in response to our locking them out of their contracts. In an effort to get a fair agreement now, our clubs offered a deal today that, among other things… PR stunt, waste of paper, slap in the face, was designed to have no adverse financial impact on veteran players in the early years, and would have met the players’ financial demands in the latter years of the agreement.

The proposal we made included an offer to cut player’s salaries narrow the player compensation gap that existed in the negotiations by splitting the difference; allow you to take whatever money you think you’re owed from the rookies, guarantee a reallocation of savings from first-round rookies to veterans and retirees without negatively affecting compensation for rounds 2-7; no pay cut compensation reduction for veterans; implement new year-round except for the playoffs health and safety rules; retain the current 16-4 season format for at least two years until we can break the union with any subsequent changes subject to the approval of the league and union; and establish a new legacy fund for retired players ($82 million contributed by the owners over the next two years, money owners raised by keeping the $100 dollar bills they blow their noses with instead of throwing them in the waste basket)

It was a deal that was forced from us after the recent court rulings against us offered compromise, and would have ensured the well-being of our players and guaranteed the long-term future for the fans of the great game you penniless morons seem to enjoy we all love so much. It was a deal where everyone would prosper, some more than others. Owners being some, players being others.

We remain committed to collective bargaining and the federal mediation process until an agreement is reached, and call on the union to return to negotiations immediately. NFL players, clubs, and fans want an agreement. The only place it can be reached is at the antique mahogany bargaining table at my house that if one of you peons ever were to use you’d probably get rings all over it because you’ve never heard of using a coaster.

While we are disappointed with the union’s actions, we sort of knew this was coming given that we tried to buy lockout insurance a year ago we remain steadfastly committed to reaching an agreement that serves the best interest of NFL players, clubs and fans, and thank you for your sure to be dwindling continued support of our league. First and foremost it is money, big disgusting gobs of cold cash piled up on antique mahogany tables your passion for the game that drives us all, and we will not lose sight of this as we continue to pretend to work for a deal that works for everyone.


Roger Goodell


About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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One Response to Roger Goodel’s letter to fans (rough draft)

  1. The Sports Comic says:

    Well said. This is only going to get uglier and stupider.

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