Lost Roman Sports Inscription

The following is a recently discovered Roman inscription dated July 31, 108 C.E. roughly translated into English. It reads like a sports column, which makes little sense considering there was no printing press in ancient Rome and to write as if your words were being mass distributed would be insane. You may notice many details don’t add up when held up to historical scrutiny. You nerds would be wise to keep such concerns to yourselves. 

“Teborius the Great he’s called by his fans. Teborious the Wonderful he’s called by his admirers.

But there’s other names for Rome’s most polarizing Gladiator: nauseating, pompous and delusional to name a few.

He’s become a lightning rod for criticism, and there’s no doubt that it centers around his fervent religious belief and patented constant praying before, during and after every match.

But I think I speak for the majority of Romans when I say, leave the gods out of the Coliseum.

There’s just nothing all that spiritual about what those gladiators are doing.

Do you really think Jupitor cares who decapitates who? Do you think Mars has time to help Teborious kill some lion? I think he’s a little busy controlling the rain and lightning.

Why should Janus, our guardian of the door and heart, root for one gladiator over another?

“Oh Ceres, please help me maim these slaves.”

“I’m sorry, I’m a little bit preoccupied making the grain grow out of the ground. But I’ll see if I can get back to you on that.”

The hard truth is, there’s so much focus on Teborious because of his religious zealotry, but he’s not even a championship-level gladiator.

He can’t even throw! His spear has the flight path of a duck that’s been wounded by a better-thrown spear.

As far as I’m concerned, the only time religion belongs in the Coliseum is when we’re persecuting the wrong ones.

So, unless he wants to convert to Christianity and be fed to the lions, Teborius should leave the Gods out of it.”

 

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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