Projecting The New Jeremy Lin

There was Fernando Valenzuela, then Mark “The Bird” Fidrych, then not Kwame Brown, then Tim Tebow and now Jeremy Lin.

All of these players (again, except for Kwame Brown) set fire to the sports world instantly.

And given all the money generated in New York, Asia, the pun industry, and beyond by the Jeremy Lin phenomenon, there is extreme financial interest in trying to predict who will accomplish this next.

Using math*, unadulterated conjecture, and a little voodoo, here’s the list of athletes who may just be the next sports phenom.

*Math used to number list only.

1. Randy Moss

Moss announced he will attempt a comeback to the NFL this season. There’s nothing America loves more than a good comeback story (as long as we’re not counting fast food or fast food promotions). You may point to Randy’s locker room disturbances as a strike against his chances, but if he does a 180 from his previous behavior that’s a great story line too. And who’s more likely to change than a bitter, 35-year-old flame-out wide reciever?

Possible Punny Headline: “It’s Immossible!”

2. Brandon Weeden

The senior quarterback from Oklahoma State is projected as a mid-round pick in the upcoming NFL draft. Why might he capture the hearts of the world? He’s 28. Imagine this scenario: Weeden gets drafted this year, but becomes a career backup. H can’t ever get in the game. Fourteen years go by and he’s never played an NFL snap. But because he’s taken no hits in his NFL career, he’s still fresh. Then after Weeden announces he’ll retire at the end of the year, the starter goes down, Weeden enters, and America goes crazy over a 44-year-old essentially rookie quarterback who lights up the league with craftiness.

Possible Punny Headline: “Weeden Out His Doubters”

3. Marty Schottenheimer

Who says the next Tim Tebow or Jeremy Lin has to be a player? I did? Earlier in this post? Well, lets forget I said that and consider a coach, Marty Schottenheimer. Schottenheimer is the NFL head coach with the most wins to have never been to the Super Bowl. He was fired from the Chargers in 2007 after a 14-2 season, but losing in the playoffs. However, Marty just won his first championship for the Virginia Destroyers in the UFL. Imagine now a comeback by the 68-year old coach to the NFL and an improbable playoff run. Marty-Masks everywhere.

Possible Punny Headline: “House Marty 5”


About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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