If you’ve ever attended an NFL game live, your opinion of humanity has a ceiling.
Not to say all NFL fans are rowdy, violent drunks, but all the rowdy violent drunks in your town are probably in the stadium on Sundays.
In response to the poor behavior, the NFL is now requiring anyone ejected from a stadium to complete a $75 online code-of-conduct test before they attend another game.
Lucky for you, I have obtained this test. Practice here so at your next game you can hurl obscenities, pretzels or anything else not nailed down to your black heart’s desire.
Question 1: When is it appropriate to pour a beer down another fan’s back, spilling some on his child sitting next to him?
A: If he’s wearing an opposing team’s jersey
B: If the half-time show is boring
C: If it’s a particularly hot day
Question 2: Which items should you NOT throw at the referees after a call that frustrates you?
B: Ice ball
C: Bag of urine
D: None of the above
Question 3: If you don’t like the play calls of a certain coach, how should you handle it?
A: Attempt to steal the coach’s laminate play-card
B: Burn a life-sized doll of the coach in effigy
C: Bottle up your rage for it to explode during a 3rd and long draw play in the 4th quarter.
D: Let out a boisterous, yet appropriate, “boo.”
Question 4: After which quarter have alcohol sales ended?
D: The party doesn’t stop until the kegs are empty
Question 5: Buying a ticket gives you the right to…
A: Cheer or boo whoever you want
B: Fling hotdogs at opposing team fans
C: Fling hotdogs at mascots
D: Pee wherever you like if the line is too long
Question 6: When waiting in line for the bathroom, you notice the ladies room has no line. What do you do?
A: Use the ladies room
B: Make that awful “it really pays to be a woman at sporting events” joke and continue waiting in line
C: Fling a hotdog at someone out of rage
D: Finish drunkenly peeing your pants and return to your seat
Question 7: If an usher does ask for you to leave your seat and come with them, you should…
A: Demand to speak with your lawyer first
B: Go with him reluctantly while flipping everyone off as you leave
C: Make a break for it
D: Fling a hotdog at the usher
Question 8: True or false? If you’ve given your section a “cool” name, you have immunity from stadium rules.
Question 9: If you guess incorrectly at one of those three-card monte Jumbotron games, how should you handle it?
A: Fling a hotdog at the Jumbotron
B: Demand to see what’s under the other two cups, helmets, etc.
C: Pick a fight with a kid who guessed correctly
D: Go on living your life
Question 10: How many ethnic slurs can your homemade sign have written on it?
answer key: d,d,d,c,a,b,b,b,d,d