The “LeBron X” Disclaimer

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“Congratulations on your purchase of the LeBron X! The world’s most sophisticated basketball shoe, complete with leap-monitoring technology. The first shoe ever to record how high you jump!

Although the LeBron X represents the finest basketball shoe industry has to offer, there has been some confusion over what this shoe can actually do based on its $315 sticker price. By purchasing the LeBron X you legally agree to, and understand, the following:

The LeBron X does not improve your physical fitness in any way. Nike does not claim the LeBron X will increase your jumping, running or free-throw abilities. If you can’t dunk, the LeBron X will not change this.

Purchasing the shoe does not make you friends with LeBron James, LeBron James’ mother or anyone related to/friends with/co-workers of LeBron James.

Wearing the Lebron X does not make you invincible to the mob of people waiting to get their pair in the event of a trampling.

The LeBron X does not protect your feet from extreme heat, cold, atmospheric pressures or radiation. The LeBron X does not hover or provide any lift or sensation of flying.

The LeBron X has no healing properties. Foot ailments such as gout, athlete’s foot, trench foot, ingrown toenails, diabetic foot infections, hammer toe or restless leg syndrome will not necessarily be cured by wearing the LeBron X.

When you purchase the LeBron X from Nike, you assume all risks if you use the shoes to fight crime, as they grant no special crime-fighting powers.

The LeBron X has not been approved by NASA as appropriate footwear in space.

You further agree to not hold Nike responsible for injuries/death caused by your false impression that the LeBron X improves your ability to drive while chemically impaired.

The LeBron X does not in any way get you out of that time share you bought.

There is no scientific evidence or studies to suggest putting the Lebron X sneakers on a deceased loved one’s feet will reanimate them from the dead.

Again, congratulations on your purchase. Enjoy the LeBron X responsibly!”

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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