Frustrated Stan Van Gundy Regrets Taking AND1 Street Ballers Coaching Job

Stan Van Gundy throws his clipboard to the ground in disgust as the ball rolls by him out of bounds. His new point guard just tried dribbling off the defender’s back and lost control.

It’s another day and another dismal practice for Van Gundy as the new head coach of the AND1 Street Ballers. Many predicted his defense-first and team-oriented style would clash with the traditionally flashy AND1 crew, and now Van Gundy has found himself in another seemingly hopeless situation.

“I feel like I’m not reaching these guys,” Van Gundy says as an errant 360 pass whizzes by. “I mean, you try to get a guy named ‘Hotsauce’ to take a charge.”

Although the team has continued to win under Van Gundy’s helm, they don’t seem to be adopting to his style.

“I want to get these guys playing for the ridiculous nickname on the front of the jersey, not the ridiculous nickname on the back.”

A lot of the AND1 game is foreign to Van Gundy.

“My first game, I look up and there’s this guy running around on the court wearing sunglasses and screaming into a microphone. I have no idea who he is or where he comes from. I figure he’s some deranged fan. Turns out we employ him to do that. The worst part of it is he encourages all this selfish one-on-one play.”

“I mean, I call a high pick and roll for Spyda and Werm. But instead of running the play Spyda puts the ball under his shirt and starts salsa dancing. That’s not something we go over in practice.”

What do the AND1 Ballers think of their new coach?

“He’s hilarious,” says Circus, a Baller from Brooklyn, New York. “He’s always getting all mad on the sideline. Yelling about some shit. Cracks us up… looking like a Muppet.

After practice Van Gundy gathers his team around him for a quick speech.

“Guys, if we’re truly going to reach our potential as a team, we’re going to have to learn to sacrifice. That means getting back on defense after a made basket instead of getting on the ground and pretending to take a nap. Sacrifice means using your body to bump a cutter on his way through the lane instead of taking a cell phone picture of yourself in front of the crowd. Sacrifice is..”

That’s when Hotsauce bounces a pass off Van Gundy’s head to Circus for a lob dunk. Pandemonium ensues.

Van Gundy is in tour one of a three-tour deal.

 

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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