A new NFL season kicks off* tonight when the defending Superbowl champion New York Giants take on the defendants known as the Dallas Cowboys. And what kind of sports blog would this be without some lame, baseless predictions.
It’s time for our annual, (Did we do one last year?) Bold NFL predictions! Brace yourselves. They’re bolder than ever. (Although now that I’m thinking about it, this is the first Bold NFL Predictions issue).
Prediction 1: A DNA test will reveal Rob Ryan and Rex Ryan aren’t actually blood relatives… casting a terrible shroud of infidelity on Buddy Ryan.
Prediction 2: After admitting no man is an island, Darrelle Revis will change his nickname to “Revis Peninsula”.
Prediction 3: In a terrible show of selfishness, Rupert Murdoch will replace the game scroll at the bottom of the screen during Fox games with updates on players only from his fantasy team.
Prediction 4: No Superbowl this year as the season ends in December exactly how the Mayans predicted.
Prediction 5: Eli Manning will purchase a cool, new hat.
Prediction 6: Four out of these six predictions will come true.
Prediction 7: A new challenge will await you at work next week. But you’ll be able to handle it with the help of your closest friends.
Prediction 8: The replacement officials unionize and go on strike themselves.
Prediction 9: I’m seeing a team win its division. Some sort of animal A lion? No, a… What? Yes! A bear. The bears will win their division. That will be $40.
Prediction 10: Up in the booth Troy Aikman will sneeze on Joe Buck during a game in November and Joe will look at him like, “Seriously guy?”
Prediction 11: Going stir-crazy now that he retired from doing the halftime comedy routines for Fox, Frank Caliendo dressed as John Madden will at some time in the future accost you on your way to Trader Joes.
*Anyone writing about the NFL is legally obligated to use the pun “kicks off” when referring to the beginning of a new season.