Mike Rice Cover Letter

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4/3/2013

John Kane

West Essex YMCA Youth Basketball

321 S. LIVINGSTON AVE.
LIVINGSTON, NJ 07039

Dear Mr. Kane,

I am writing in reply to the classified ad seeking to fill the position of youth basketball coach for the YMCA, ages 10-11.

First, let me say I’ve always admired the YMCA league and it’s fun, low pressure atmosphere as a great way for young boys and girls to develop and learn the game of basketball.

I’ve been a basketball coach since 1991 as both an assistant and head coach at the NCAA Division 1 level. Most recently I’ve spent the last three years as the Rutgers University Men’s Basketball head coach.

Now, you may have heard some things in the news as to why I was dismissed from that position. Let me assure you, these were concerns blown out of proportion by the media. 

I believe what 10 and 11 year-old boys need most is someone who can capture their attention. (And what grabs your attention more than being kicked in the back?! Haha, just kidding).

When I look at kids today there’s a part of me that just wants to hurl a basketball at their cute little faces as hard as I can. But there’s a bigger part of me that wants to help them work on their fundamentals.

Oh, sure, I use the occasional gay slur. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a rush from abusing my power over youth. And yes, I admit there’s nothing I love better than kicking some nice young back.

So if you’re looking for Mr. Perfect, I guess ignore the resume’ underneath this letter. If you’re looking for Mr. “I don’t call my players fairies” I guess I’m not your guy. 

But if you’re looking for a coach who’s proven he has the ability, through bigotry, intimidation and physical abuse, to get his teams to a below .500 record, then I’d be humbled to be your ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? PAY THE F$%# ATTENTION YOU STUPID LITTLE… excuse me, next coach. 

Respectfully yours,

Mike Rice

 

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.
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